Many sponsors bring an awareness of why individuals are motivated to express amends and can question the beneficial purpose of sharing such information from the past. It is always necessary to be open-minded when working the steps because discussing your amends list with a sponsor can surface other avenues of the amends process that you may not have considered before. Perhaps, the amends that you wanted to make might not seem right after discussing with a sponsor. Yet, to be truly successful at forgiving and releasing past wrongs, you need to go directly to the individual you’ve hurt. When you go directly to the person, real spiritual transformation is more likely to occur. The 12-step program instills honesty and integrity in members.
I tend to hide the memory of past transgressions under the ever-handy umbrella of “Didn’t do it if I don’t remember”. Since I spent years in a boozy haze all sorts of hurts were ignored. Don’t letting putting off making an apology or paying a debt you owe become a bigger problem in the future that could cause you to pick up a drink. Making amends may seem like a bitter pill to swallow, but for those serious about recovery, it can be good medicine for the spirit and the soul. He’s a teenager, so I try to let him function at that age level. When he runs out of clean clothes, I don’t lecture or offer solutions.
To understand what living amends are is to understand the concept behind amends in a 12 step program.
If you promised your son or daughter to be there to see them off to college, clean yourself up and show up. You don’t have to be the best son or daughter, and you don’t need to be an ideal parent, but you need to show up when you make promises to do so. If you’re untrustworthy and unreliable, come to terms with those characteristics of yours.
If you’re new to Alcoholics Anonymous, don’t worry, there’s no cost to join or entry requirements—all you need to have is a genuine desire to stop drinking. Step 12 doesn’t call for you to be a proverbial evangelist for the 12 Steps. In fact, Tradition 11 of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions clearly states that Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of attraction, not one of promotion. Instead, you should only talk to people about the benefits of AA when you’re certain that they’re ready, and you’ll know this because they’ll come to you for help, not the other way around. These principles, combined with your new state of consciousness, comprise a toolset from which you can draw on daily to lead a peaceful, honest, and fulfilling life of service. Step 12 of AA will never be truly complete, which is what makes it so powerful and rewarding.
Acknowledging the Lifelong Endeavor
Step Nine states that we make amends “except when to do so would injure them or others.” We don’t want our actions to cause further damage, harm or stress. In those cases, we can make amends in a broader sense by taking actions like donating money, volunteering our time or providing care. For example, we might intend to go to a friend’s birthday party, but in actuality, we fail to show up for the event. While we might apologize later for missing the party, our apology consists of words rather than actions or changed behavior.
- ” It is not a time to make excuses for our behavior instead, it’s an open door for the wronged person to express themselves.
- Apologizing is difficult for many people, and taking responsibility for your actions can be painful as it may remind you of the harm you have caused.
- Lastly, AA Step 12 reminds you that this process is truly a lifelong endeavor.
- Sometimes, a person will simply not be willing to accept your apology or efforts to compensate them for the harm you’ve caused.
- The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing.
After getting to know its principles, you may want to try the program, or include it as part of your post-rehab aftercare plan. By 1939 and the publication of The Big Book, Wilson and Smith revised their principles, what is a living amends expanding them to reflect their work and its progress. AA is, of course, heavily focused on principles of Christianity, but many of today’s groups have modernized the tenets to reflect a more diverse audience.
Addiction and Mental Health Resources
When choosing to make amends, exercise careful consideration of yourself and others to ensure you avoid causing further harm in your recovery efforts. Before you decide who to approach and how you intend to make amends, reflect on your efforts at recovery and the intent behind making amends. This tends to result in enhanced relationships and repairing ones that were injured. Step 11 is about moving forward without losing track of a higher power.
- Step 9 is another one of the 12 steps, that initially appears most difficult, but the rewards of putting this principle into practice can be immense.
- Today, I know my words have value whether they pay attention or not.
- If possible, schedule a time to speak with them in advance to prepare for the conversation.
Living amends, in this event, can include making changes to the behaviors contributing to the falling out between the survivor and the person they owed an apology to. For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop. One of her children is killed crossing the street on their own even after telling their mother that they were afraid to cross the busy street alone. A living amend might include a posthumous promise to the deceased child to, from now on, make it a point to walk their surviving siblings to the bus stop each day.
An Amend, Not an Apology
Over the years, in small bits and pieces, I have been able to share small pearls of my Al-anon wisdom. The FHE Health team is committed to providing accurate information that adheres to the highest standards of writing. This is part of our ongoing commitment to ensure FHE Health is trusted as a leader in mental health and addiction care. Even so, you will have done all that you can to take responsibility for the past—and there’s a level of peace and freedom in that as well.
Practice accepting other’s responses to your efforts and remember that you have done all you can. Sometimes other people need more time to accept an apology. When appropriate, remind others that you are here if they change their mind or wish to talk.
